My ugly Confession.


I have a confession to make.

ambition while missing the point

 

In about 2 weeks, this blog site will be a year old. In the last 5-6 months, I’ve been trying pretty hard to write interesting, helpful, or entertaining stuff for this place, almost every single day. I’ve made fantastic contacts, great new friends, and I’ve had a good time doing it.

This is hard to admit, but, I have to confess, that I’ve been blogging mostly to build a larger reading audience. A little while ago my agent told me that I stood a good chance to have my material published, but the biggest obstacle was “lack of platform.” Lack of platform sort of means, not too many care who you are, or what you do. A successful blog can change that, and help a writer build this much-needed platform. I know there’s nothing shameful about writing a blog and hoping others read it, but my remorse at this moment is that I realize I have made it my means to an end. I’ve been holding so tight to this idea that I can generate a solid readership base to, as Pedro says, “make all my wildest dreams come true,” that I didn’t realize I was putting it before the whole point, which is to share myself and my God with others. In a real sense, I’ve thought of this blog as a vehicle to “get me somewhere,” and I’ve made it an idol. Sometimes I have said to myself, “Well, it’s really both, a vehicle and my ministry.” This may be true, and I hope things work out like this, but if my priorities or motivations shift weight, things get off balance. And they have been.

I stopped long enough for God to speak to my heart, and in my spirit, it seems “he” said, “Let it go.” I got a little panicky at first. “Completely? What? Huh? What ‘chu talkin’ ’bout Willis…er, Father in Heaven?”

Then it seemed like God nudged me, and “said,” “Don’t be such an extremist.” This threw in off a little. So, I sort of looked around sheepishly for a little, almost looking for an exit, but without trying to be obvious about it. It seems like God “said,” “You’re clutching. Stop it. Just write and stop thinking about the rest. It’s none of your business.”

This bothered me. I felt out of control. Of course, it was a false assumption that I really have control like I was thinking I had. But, then I thought about what that might feel like…to hand things over… and I tried to “put that skin on.” Even just putting it on halfway felt SO nice. Relaxing. Like the pressure was off, and leaving the room, like a smog lifting. So, I stopped that exercise midway, I took a deep breath and I yielded. I took my sweaty feet off the pedals and coasted. I waited. And nothing happened. Nothing, for better or for worse, but I felt much better.

I wanted to tell you about it, because I know I haven’t been thinking the right way. I know that has to change, and I’m turning my heart the other way. I may post less often, but maybe there will be more true joy and inspiration when I do.

I do hope many are blessed by this blog, and resources, but I’m not going to transpose the priorities anymore, if I can help it, (with God’s grace). This will happen on a heart level, and it might not even be apparent to you, but I hope that my honesty will not only encourage you to look carefully at your own priorities, and goals, but also be a way to ensure that I stay congruent to my core convictions and values, in the way and nature of my God.

It’s hard to make confessions because, sometimes, it makes you feel really weak, stupid, or like some kind of a scum bag. It’s risky. The temptation to keep on a mask, and act like things are all pulled together, can be a strong influencer. Even though it feels embarrassing, it’s still the only way to move forward, and toward shalom (well-being/peace). I’m trying to be brave.

Thoughts… comments?

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4 responses to “My ugly Confession.

  1. Dan Masshardt

    and it’s an excellent way to show our continued need for God’s grace. We’re at our best when people aren’t impressed by us but by the grace of our Lord.

    Confession glorifies him and not us. Thanks for having the courage to share it.

  2. Your dilemma is common to most anyone who is in some kind of ministry. As a church administrator, I struggle with finding methods to help our church grow. The right method for church growth is to evangelize the lost. However, it’s hard not to want to see pews (or chairs) filled. Today’s churches seem to grow because of the “amenities” they offer instead of reaching lost souls with the message of salvation. My desire to see souls saved must supercede my desire to merely see seats filled. God will honor my motive when it is right. He looks at my heart.

  3. I was reading “The Cloud of Unknowing” last night and came upon a passage that reminded me of this blog:

    “Humility in itself is nought else, but a true knowing and feeling of a man’s self as he is. For surely whoso might verily see and feel himself as he is, he should verily be humble. Two things there be, the which be cause of this humility; the which be these. One is the filth, the wretchedness, and the frailty of man, into the which he is fallen by sin; and the which always him behoveth to feel in some part the whiles he liveth in this life, be he never so holy. Another is the over‑abundant love and the worthiness of God in Himself; in beholding of the which all nature quaketh, all clerks be fools, and all saints and angels be blind.”

    Though I have never sensed any egotism or selfishness in your writing, it seems you had one of the moments of blinding clarity that the author of the “Cloud” describes, and you are letting it do God’s work. Please do keep writing, but let us both pray for that moment when we can see that “all clerks (i.e. writers) be fools” in light of God’s true glory.

    • lisacolondelay

      Thank you, Doug. I have yet to read this classic, but I hope to in the next 8 weeks. It seems, for me, intimacy/prayer/worship, leads me to apprehend/sense God’s holiness, which-by contrast-displays my own faults/sin/shortcomings, then I am humbled, but grateful, convicted and repentant, washed with grace and love, and restored. God is at his best work in me, in those moments of clarity, when my hubris and flawed motivations are exposed, so he may tear them away to make me more like himself. All part of the “undragoning,” I suppose. Also, C S Lewis said the powerful words, “If a man thinks he is not conceited, he is very conceited, indeed.” Yes, clerks are fools, poets are thieves, artists are copycats. How we fool ourselves! How gracious is our God… I love him all the more.