12 Fruit of the Spirit that never made the cut

Tom Cruise drawn in Photoshop

Image by Roberto Rizzato ►pix jockey◄ Facebook resident via Flickr (aka "Mr. Intensity")

WARNING: This post is for humor purposes. If you take it seriously, and get offended, it’s your own fault. Go away today if you don’t like funny things once in a while.

Fruit of the Spirit that didn’t make the cut:

High Metabolism: (or Calorie Burn-Ableness) This is one of those qualities of which people can be envious. Yet, the ability to eat a whole pizza, or a half a dozen Krispy Kremes, and not pay for it according to the bathroom scale does not cut it as a Fruit of the Spirit.

Wrapping. (Giftedness) Because such things given by God are called “gifts” of the Spirit, some have connected this to the qualities associated with wrapping presents, for holidays, birthdays, and such. Cute paper, ribbon, and creative and crafty items to give items away are a way to show off talents, but let’s not get carried away. I’m glad I could clear this up.

Drinking your Coffee black. (Beverage purity) If you think the potent and bitter taste of coffee without creamer has something to do your spiritual gifting, I need to break it to you. The answer is “No”. And it doesn’t mean you love coffee more than other people either. (another related tip: Keep a toothbrush handy.)

Fanciness. Sure, good style is laudable. Though fruit-like, it doesn’t make the cut, and it’s not a gift of the Spirit to be fancy, per se. It can also be incredibly distracting.

Holding your breath. (Lung capacity blessed/breath-worthy) Long sought as a way to intimidate cream puff parents, and impress pool-goers, holding one’s breath for quite a while is a skill mastered with practice and techniques. I’m surprised you would even bring this one up.

Balance. One’s ability to walk with agility on a 2 x 4 does not appear to directly connected to the Holy Ghost. On this one, though, I could be persuaded with the proper argument “for”. Have at it.

Bluffing. (or in fruit language, bluff-tastic-ness) I think this term -bluffing) is used in games, meaning innocent falsehood to get ahead in a harmless game. (And, yes; In the gun-toting old wild west, this wasn’t always the case.. Obviously.) Good bluffers are admired in poker, and loathed in politics and golf. Either way, I’ve decided that, though it’s a close call, it’s not quite fruit-worthy for my purposes here. HOWEVER, perhaps you can weigh in on this story about when Jesus (perhaps) pretended to walk past the boat on the stormy lake of Galilee, shortly before Peter asked to walk on water to meet him. Was it bluffing? TEll me what you think.  (You can read John’s text here John 6:16-22)

Staring. (or stare-Able) Do you win a lot of staring contests and think God has something to do with it? Well, then you’re fooling yourself. The ability to stare well, just means you aren’t too bothered as your eyes get dry. This sensation drives many other people crazy, as a creepy itchy feeling makes it unbearable to not flip out and blink like mad. Plenty of people connect patience with this, but that’s total bologna.

Intensity. Closely related to the above (Staring) in terms of endurance, this quality is perfectly exemplified in Tom Cruise‘s acting performances, much to my chagrin. It’s a poor substitute for Christian maturity, and would no doubt  displease the powerful Xenu, at least in the long run. Plus, it’s so, gimmicky sometimes, ya know? MAYBE YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH-YA KNOW?

Jumping rope like an accomplished boxer. (Jumpishness) Yes, this one looks a bit superhuman sometimes, but it’s only the branch of a deeper issue. Basically, these people don’t care how sweaty they get, and also enjoy a repetitive sound. If you can do it, good for you, but I can’t work my way into respecting you for it, in a spiritual sense. Plus, the exegesis here is spotty at best. I repeat: At. Best.

Pen Tricks. (dexterity) Like Fanciness, this near-Fruit can be positive and appealing, but once you’ve spent hours learning them, to show off in Sunday School class, as you pretend to be thinking about the topic at hand, don’t think it makes you a better Christian. It could just mean you’re obnoxious and have way too much time on your hands. Your über tricky hands.

Swimming. (buoyancy) Walking on water, yes, of course. Obviously that’s totally backed up by Scripture as a spiritual gift, with some Fruit of buoyancy needed (Okay, yes. I’m still researching the buoyancy Fruit or near-Fruit). But, listen to me. Swimming is something even a dolphin can do. Nothing supernatural there…once you throw off the terrifying thought of drowning.

Fruity stuff from Paul Cheng. (The bananas look like horns because...?)



Please Note: Some of items here (nearly Fruit) that didn’t make the cut, are helpful to us in a general sense. Some may even coincide with certain biblical spiritual fruit. In themselves, however, they have here been identified as not really what Paul (the writer of Galatians, not the fruity artist above) was talking about.

Galatians 5:22-26But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

This is a formula I made up (after rigorous hours of study). When used it will take you far…like a camel in heat:

{GIFTS – FRUIT = corruption }

Bear in mind, this refers to the things of God, not Gift Baskets.

SO, my sweet readers,

What other things could make this list of Spiritual Fruit that couldn’t or didn’t make the cut? Share your suggestions. One lucky winner will get a humorous fruit of the Spirit t-shirt.


9 responses to “12 Fruit of the Spirit that never made the cut

  1. Lisa, Lisa, Lisa – I can handle people who throw theological curve-balls but you’re definitely juicing the pill!

    My bid for an additional gift: Audacity. (There’s a koine synonym that I won’t use but suspect Paul would’ve.) Seriously, have you ever noticed how the wrong people get their books published and draw huge crowds to their seminars? They have no content, but huge, um, audacities.

  2. thanks for your participation. It is welcome here.

  3. Sarcasm – seriously just imagine Jesus being sarcastic and those red letter words tale on a whole new meaning

    • Well, you have an interesting point. I sort of wonder if the “plank in your eye” statement was ribbing using hyperbole, or maybe benign sarcasm.
      I say benign b/c tone is the issue, probably.

      Do you think, sarcasm seems too often mean-spirited? I have notice that when it’s a habit, it brings conflict or negativity. {I know because my sarcasm has been in overdrive, and lots of kindergarteners have stuck their tongues out at mean at the bus stop for it.}

  4. #6 Balance – You mean “Moderation in all things” isn’t in the Bible?!? Oh wait, it isn’t. My bad.

    #8 Staring – You mean the pastor can’t conjure the Holy Spirit at will by visually boring a hole through my twisted excuse for a soul at a key moment in the sermon? Man, I am striking out today.

    My suggestion: Forthcomingness. Truth is good; saying everything that comes into your head, not so much.

    (Thanks, Lisa, for letting me reorganize my thoughts :/ )

  5. You think you fancy, hah? I know someone with the gift of Fanciness (can don a brown paper bag and look amazing) and Giftedness (superb wrapping abilities). Same person with both of these near-Fruit qualities. Has to be supernatural.

    Jerkiness or having a “jerkal” attitude (a pastor friend made that word up in a sermon) seems to be popping up a lot lately in Christian circles; so much that you’d think it displays near-Fruit qualities. Maybe that could be worked into your list. This “gift” can be observed in people with super-critical spirits. The opposite of this is hyper-spiritualism, this person, especially in the context of a joke, totally misses the point (and necessity) of humor. Also known as a “Jesus Juker.”

    • Thanks, Alex. Those are some great contributions. You area credit to your gender. And I mean that in a nice, non-jerkal way.

      Plus, you make a good point about fanciness. Could it have been my jealousy doing the typing?